Leaving, well, a loan

Parting is - oh - such sweet sorrow,

Can't believe I am going tomorrow.

My rail fare's quite pricey,

So if I ask you nicely,

Have you got fifty quid I could borrow?

The internet is U.S.

"Howdy, Nigel Hurll!" says my Wordpress.

This is just a big pile of bird mess;

The whole USA

Should be tidied away

'til the internet's cleared of its turdness

Mal Content

Well, this isn't going so well,

And the website's beginning to smell;

Wordpress seems unable

To format a table

Although I know HTML

Brush Strokes

Michelangelo did the ceiling of Sistine,

Tidied up and then left the site pristine,

But a lack of restraint

Made him use too much paint

And it dripped on a tourist called Christine

Maria callous

Got a mortgage? Get the public to pay;
Join Parliament, have a few grand away;
Make a false application,
Screw over the nation:
Home free*, but say sorry, okay?


*see what I did there?

Shining Example

A Citroën C4 Picasso

Could improve with a coating of Brasso

Add a soupçon of lard

But don't rub too hard

Or you may well end up in El Paso

Dyson With Death

Despite a side-stepping manoeuvre,

My auntie was killed by her hoover;

She was living in France

When the flex snagged her pants

Now her statue's on show in the Louvre.

Never a cross word

"Prosper, like Homepride" *brackets 8*
For all cryptic crossword fans, wait!
No clue restitution,
You'll want the solution,
It's "flourish", don't it make you irate?  

Football mad

'You'll Never Walk Alone' is a song
Which the scousers sing loudly and long;
When you walk through a storm,
Try and keep your head warm
But if I were you, I'd lose the thong.

In the Baker's Arms

We stopped at the pie shop of Gregg
Near the end of our M40 leg;
A Yum-Yum for me
(At a mere 80 pee)
A hot roll: bacon, sausage, with egg.

Is your mother bored?

Does the universal serial bus stop here?
No, you'll have a long, hard drive, I fear;
Since the weather's quite fair,
I shall don some soft wear
And I might fill the boot up with beer. 

Wet Wet Wet

I am thinking of building an ark;
Is it raining again *question mark*
Yes! The vessel will feature
Two each of each creature
But I'm drawing the line at a shark.

I believe...

It must be true, it's in the Mail:
Apparently, King Kong could read Braille;
John, Paul, George and Ringo
All played Naked Bingo
And Lassie played rugby for Sale.

Holiday Plan B

Bindon Bottom, in Lulworth Cove, Dorset, has just been voted the best B & B in the world by Trip Advisor reviewers; this is not far from my neck of the woods, so...

B & B Bindon Bottom: world's Best;

Brings a Bloomin' Big Blush to my Breast;

Its Breakfasts just Beckon

Far as Beacons of Brecon;

Get ye thither, Trip Advisor's Behest.

No end in sight

An artist named Christopher Wright
Was making up limericks one night;
The last words began
But they just wouldn't scan
So the punch lines, they just didn't quite...

(Pub newsletter September 2003 - Limerick Corner)

Sad farewell

A young man named Marcel Journeaux

To Australia's decided to geaux;

With the chess club just founded,

Well, we were astounded,

It's come as a terrible bleaux.

(Pub newsletter September 2003 - Limerick Corner)

A ballet good worker

There is a young barman called Joy
Who's a really accomplished bright boy;
He can skip, run and jump
Serving beer from the pump
With a grace that is almost Bolshoi.

(Pub newsletter September 2003 - Limerick Corner)

A crying shame

A wedding - lots of champers and cheers,
But nothing is as it appears;
The first waltz in the nude
Can't lighten the mood
When even the cake is in tiers.

Sounds familiar

What to wear at a magic-themed do?
A wandsie*, large pointy hat, too;
But witch should it be?
I can't spell, d'you see?
Dunno, just use plenty of glue.


Alternative final line for Harry Potter aficionados:

Dunno, just use plenty of floo.


*see what I did there?

As any fuel kno

The PM says "Me? I love fracking,
Even though the surrounding land's cracking;
It'll give us cheap gas,
I don't talk through my ass,
I'm amazed that it's lacking in backing."